Let Me be Completely Honest

NOTE: I wrote this in my journal a few months ago and most of it is stuff that I am struggling with in the present. Now, I was afraid to put this on my blog because it is very honest, it will expose my deepest fears and passions but a quality that is important to me is authenticity, so here is my way of displaying that:

"I think I have realized the same thing hundreds of times but in different ways."-My Journal June 22, 2005

I have been reading my 'angst-filled' journals from my senior year of high school. I found this quote to still hit home four years later and I have a feeling I will be reading this when I am 30 and still agree. This year I have lived in the tension of being comfortable with who I am, dwelling on what others think, and having doubts about myself.

There really is no platform I am going to reach where everything makes sense. In fact I think I become more confused as the years go on. I have been told this would happen. It comes down to this one idea for me: I will always be a work in progress. I am merely a month away from walking across another platform, accepting a piece of parchment that tells me I have crossed a milestone.

College was not meant to go by so quickly? Was it? There are a few things I believe are certain and have discovered in the last four years. Guys and girls will never understand each other not unless they learn how to communicate. People are complicated but especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Understanding yourself can be a condrum as well. At some points we all take life too seriously or not serious enough. This is true of my own life as well as others.

I still struggle with selfishness, bitterness, pride, jealousy and have a feeling I must die to myself for the rest of my life. It will NEVER be me who conquers my struggles. The mysteriousness of my faith in Christ and His power through me, will never cease to amaze me.

People will always fail and hurt one another; I will still fail and hurt others but Christ can conquer this if I trust Him. My will or God's will is always a struggle. The fear of what another thinks of me may be my fight for years if I do not trust in God and His love. Trusting God is easier said than done.

The economy is a bit of a tragedy right now. It is hard for me not to focus on what my life would be like if I had a million dollars.

Sometimes I hate myself because I dwell in sin that I am in denial that I have.

One of the times I felt the most alive was when I was in Haiti. I still miss Haiti often! If I had the money I would just go and live there for a year. Maybe I could just move to San Antonio and go with Oak Hills during the year?

Sometimes I want to get married someday soon and sometimes I have no desire for it, I am still discovering who I am. I love adventure, the outdoors, travelling, good music and sports. It would be cool if the next guy I dated liked a combination of those things...Is there a guy with that combination?

Despite doubt/fears/struggles/unfairness I am in love with the gospel more today then when I first heard it, to me it is what is propelling my life.

All I want, is to be able to counsel or to have a job that serves children and to be able to go back to Haiti. These are the things I am prayerfully seeking.

I will NEVER deserve the love and grace God pours out on me daily and do not know where I would be if He didnt't. It is a sincere tragedy that Christians find it necessary to separate the world into two. And what I mean by that is, a big part of me believes God can be found in some of the things we consider 'secular' as well as the hyped up spiritual ones.

These thoughts may be convoluted but they are mine, authentic and real hiding nothing.