NOTE: I wrote this in my journal a few months ago and most of it is stuff that I am struggling with in the present. Now, I was afraid to put this on my blog because it is very honest, it will expose my deepest fears and passions but a quality that is important to me is authenticity, so here is my way of displaying that:
"I think I have realized the same thing hundreds of times but in different ways."-My Journal June 22, 2005
I have been reading my 'angst-filled' journals from my senior year of high school. I found this quote to still hit home four years later and I have a feeling I will be reading this when I am 30 and still agree. This year I have lived in the tension of being comfortable with who I am, dwelling on what others think, and having doubts about myself.
There really is no platform I am going to reach where everything makes sense. In fact I think I become more confused as the years go on. I have been told this would happen. It comes down to this one idea for me: I will always be a work in progress. I am merely a month away from walking across another platform, accepting a piece of parchment that tells me I have crossed a milestone.
College was not meant to go by so quickly? Was it? There are a few things I believe are certain and have discovered in the last four years. Guys and girls will never understand each other not unless they learn how to communicate. People are complicated but especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Understanding yourself can be a condrum as well. At some points we all take life too seriously or not serious enough. This is true of my own life as well as others.
I still struggle with selfishness, bitterness, pride, jealousy and have a feeling I must die to myself for the rest of my life. It will NEVER be me who conquers my struggles. The mysteriousness of my faith in Christ and His power through me, will never cease to amaze me.
People will always fail and hurt one another; I will still fail and hurt others but Christ can conquer this if I trust Him. My will or God's will is always a struggle. The fear of what another thinks of me may be my fight for years if I do not trust in God and His love. Trusting God is easier said than done.
The economy is a bit of a tragedy right now. It is hard for me not to focus on what my life would be like if I had a million dollars.
Sometimes I hate myself because I dwell in sin that I am in denial that I have.
One of the times I felt the most alive was when I was in Haiti. I still miss Haiti often! If I had the money I would just go and live there for a year. Maybe I could just move to San Antonio and go with Oak Hills during the year?
Sometimes I want to get married someday soon and sometimes I have no desire for it, I am still discovering who I am. I love adventure, the outdoors, travelling, good music and sports. It would be cool if the next guy I dated liked a combination of those things...Is there a guy with that combination?
Despite doubt/fears/struggles/unfairness I am in love with the gospel more today then when I first heard it, to me it is what is propelling my life.
All I want, is to be able to counsel or to have a job that serves children and to be able to go back to Haiti. These are the things I am prayerfully seeking.
I will NEVER deserve the love and grace God pours out on me daily and do not know where I would be if He didnt't. It is a sincere tragedy that Christians find it necessary to separate the world into two. And what I mean by that is, a big part of me believes God can be found in some of the things we consider 'secular' as well as the hyped up spiritual ones.
These thoughts may be convoluted but they are mine, authentic and real hiding nothing.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Life in Transition
Over the last few weeks, I have spent half my time on the computer looking for a job and the other half helping my best friend get married. I know I am in the same boat as many recent college graduates looking for a job but sometimes it is hard for me not to feel the stress.
Hannah's wedding definitely put life in perspective for me. I talked to college graduates like myself, whom some had jobs and others were still searching. As exciting and mysterious as the future can be, there is something inside of me that is just wanting to know what the next stage holds. I told my dad today, "I know what will make me happy in life and that is to work with kids in a social work type of position and to travel to Haiti at least twice a year."
Experiencing life in transition has been unusual for me, especially a girl who always has a plan and typically a job. Although, I am learning what it means to trust in God alone, which is always somewhat of a struggle for me. And I am also learning to love life and the people I meet along the way. Maybe it is time for me to just hang onto the rollercoaster that is life because I do not know what tomorrow shall bring, it remains a mystery!
Hannah's wedding definitely put life in perspective for me. I talked to college graduates like myself, whom some had jobs and others were still searching. As exciting and mysterious as the future can be, there is something inside of me that is just wanting to know what the next stage holds. I told my dad today, "I know what will make me happy in life and that is to work with kids in a social work type of position and to travel to Haiti at least twice a year."
Experiencing life in transition has been unusual for me, especially a girl who always has a plan and typically a job. Although, I am learning what it means to trust in God alone, which is always somewhat of a struggle for me. And I am also learning to love life and the people I meet along the way. Maybe it is time for me to just hang onto the rollercoaster that is life because I do not know what tomorrow shall bring, it remains a mystery!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Key to Love
" There is no fear in love; but perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18
I will never forget the night I became best friends with Hannah. We stayed up late watching a movie. After it was over we just talked, about everything. We discussed religion, life, what it means to be a Christian; I do not remember every detail of the conversation, but I do remember knowing then that Hannah and I would be lifelong friends. Soon after Hannah and I became friends, I met Scott.
Scott, at the time was Hannah's long distance boyfriend. We met one weekend when he came down to see Hannah. Although, that was a fun weekend, one of my most significant memories of Scott was our first Christmas break in college. We were hanging out at Hannah's house, - Scott, Hannah and I, and she left the room for a few minutes. When she left Scott exclaimed, "OK Melissa, we only have a few minutes...here is the deal...Hannah had a hard time this semester especially being away from me and her mom...but I keep telling her she has you. So be there for her." I do not remember what I said but I do remember thinking "Wow, Hannah and Scott truly care deeply about each other, the way Christ meant for us to." I also knew then that Scott would be a life long friend because he was going to marry Hannah one day.
It has been three and a half years since then, now Hannah and Scott are less than a week away from being husband wife. The beauty of Scott and Hannah's relationship goes far beyond societal norms, it is based on the love of Christ. Their passion for Christ is what makes their relationship one that I admire more than words can say. They love each other unconditionally, which is the way Christ loved the church.
I am honored to be their friend and to be one of Hannah's bridesmaids. She has truly been a gift from God these past four years of being my friend and three of being my roommate. I have been blessed on many occasions to serve and minister to others with Hannah. I pray one day I will have the opportunity to serve with Scott and Hannah, when they are husband and wife.
There is a profound quote from Les Miserables that says: "To love another person is to see the face of God." Hannah and Scott see the face of God through the way they love one another. I know that God is going to do amazing things through their marriage because He alone is the foundation. And that is the Key to love, it is also their last name! :)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Humanity, Politics & Chocolate
The feeling in the air right now is one of desperation, frustration and hope. The words flying through the wind consist of "job-loss" , "debt" and "worry". I do not pretend to know much about the economy, in fact in high school it was one of my least favorite subjects, however along with most of America I feel the affects.
In the midst of the statistics there seems to be a loss and rememberance of our humanity. For many they were just a necessary cut in order to keep the company running. Then for others their buddy took a pay cut so that they could keep their jobs. The weight of being a human comes to this: How do we react to people in need? How do we respond to an economy crippling under our feet? Through the struggles politics comes into play. It seems that our nation's eyes are focused on one man. Although, Obama does not control the economy with his bare hands. Who knows what will come? Many politicians and buisness men sit together discussing how the problems can be changed. Will they triumph or fail?
Right now amongst the strain of the economy, people are reminded of what it means to be fully alive. Turning to the little things like a good book, a nice walk and chocolate. Soaking up the family they neglect and feeling the hope in that. One proverb my parents drilled into my head is the cup is always half full and never half empty. There is a moment I experienced in Haiti that illustrates this beautifully:
As we travelled from village to village we would throw out candy. One of the times we were throwing candy, a little boy picked up a piece and started shouting "merci" "merci" as if he had just won a million dollars. His jubilee came from a small piece of candy; he found hope and excitement in a tiny piece of candy.
The people of Haiti have no choice but to live simply and to find joy in the minute things. Today my prayer is that you will look at the example of the Haitian boy and that you will find celebration in the small elements of being alive. Eat chocolate chip cookies and sit on your front porch with a good friend, soak it all up. Smile, the glass is always half full!
In the midst of the statistics there seems to be a loss and rememberance of our humanity. For many they were just a necessary cut in order to keep the company running. Then for others their buddy took a pay cut so that they could keep their jobs. The weight of being a human comes to this: How do we react to people in need? How do we respond to an economy crippling under our feet? Through the struggles politics comes into play. It seems that our nation's eyes are focused on one man. Although, Obama does not control the economy with his bare hands. Who knows what will come? Many politicians and buisness men sit together discussing how the problems can be changed. Will they triumph or fail?
Right now amongst the strain of the economy, people are reminded of what it means to be fully alive. Turning to the little things like a good book, a nice walk and chocolate. Soaking up the family they neglect and feeling the hope in that. One proverb my parents drilled into my head is the cup is always half full and never half empty. There is a moment I experienced in Haiti that illustrates this beautifully:
As we travelled from village to village we would throw out candy. One of the times we were throwing candy, a little boy picked up a piece and started shouting "merci" "merci" as if he had just won a million dollars. His jubilee came from a small piece of candy; he found hope and excitement in a tiny piece of candy.
The people of Haiti have no choice but to live simply and to find joy in the minute things. Today my prayer is that you will look at the example of the Haitian boy and that you will find celebration in the small elements of being alive. Eat chocolate chip cookies and sit on your front porch with a good friend, soak it all up. Smile, the glass is always half full!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Another World
This afternoon I am reminded that life is not perfect and that stress always seems to be rearing its ugly head right around the corner. Although, I have made great attempts to lessen my load and to feel completely at peace with life all by myself; I have figured out that this is impossible.
Hannah and I went to her hometown of Belton, TX this weekend for another shower she was having while we were at her house we worked on making invitations for the wedding. On Sunday afternoon her mom, grandma, Hannah and I worked tirelessly to put them together. As, I was sitting there we somehow got on to the topic of the supernatural. Hannah's grandma begin to tell stories about how an angel once helped her in a stressful situation. Then Hannah's mom told a few stories but there was one that really struck me. Hannah's great granddad was in the hospital and was nearly completely gone when Hannah's granddad revived him. As he awoke he said "If I ever get that way again do not revive me because that was the most wonderful place," he saw a glimpse of heaven.
After hearing that story something inside of me melted, I realized there is some place that is more beautiful than my wildest imagination. I have thought about afterlife and death before many times but I think sometimes I forget what it all means. There is another world beyond this one, that even the most breath-taking of landscapes I have seen pale in comparison to what it must be like.
In the midst of the stress of change and realizing the imperfections of it all, these thoughts give me hope. There is more beyond this life and during this life. The times ahead of us look grim and the economy we live in is very unstable but my prayer is that who ever reads this may have peace. Breathe in and out look at the clouds and remember there is more!
Hannah and I went to her hometown of Belton, TX this weekend for another shower she was having while we were at her house we worked on making invitations for the wedding. On Sunday afternoon her mom, grandma, Hannah and I worked tirelessly to put them together. As, I was sitting there we somehow got on to the topic of the supernatural. Hannah's grandma begin to tell stories about how an angel once helped her in a stressful situation. Then Hannah's mom told a few stories but there was one that really struck me. Hannah's great granddad was in the hospital and was nearly completely gone when Hannah's granddad revived him. As he awoke he said "If I ever get that way again do not revive me because that was the most wonderful place," he saw a glimpse of heaven.
After hearing that story something inside of me melted, I realized there is some place that is more beautiful than my wildest imagination. I have thought about afterlife and death before many times but I think sometimes I forget what it all means. There is another world beyond this one, that even the most breath-taking of landscapes I have seen pale in comparison to what it must be like.
In the midst of the stress of change and realizing the imperfections of it all, these thoughts give me hope. There is more beyond this life and during this life. The times ahead of us look grim and the economy we live in is very unstable but my prayer is that who ever reads this may have peace. Breathe in and out look at the clouds and remember there is more!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Late Night Talks
There are times when my life is spinning out of control and flying by when a pivotal moment hits like a ton of bricks and wakes me up to reality. Last night I had one of these moments or perhaps several of these moments. A brief speck of time, where life seems less like an ambiguous monster but almost graspable.
For about two hours I babysat my neighbors which is always a blast; they were on the verge of going to Disneyland so they were very hyper. After that my Elizabeth are her boyfriend picked me up and we went to Tuscanny's where we hung out with my friend Katie and her boyfriend as well. Later that night I decided to stay over at Katie and Elizabeth's for the evening because my roommates were out of town. We watched "Twilight", we are such girls sometimes, it's so AWESOME ! Elizabeth needed to go to bed so she checked out early then out of no where Katie and I begin to talk about everything really.
Drastically my life was opened and my heart was spilling out on the floor. My fears, ambitions, desires, many minute details that I have not discussed with anyone came out of my mouth. I was realizing my struggles and dreams as I spoke to Katie. One thing I was finally able to admit to myself was that I was using the series Harry Potter as a form of escapism. Not to say anything bad about them because I think they are wonderful stories and will continue reading them, but they have been keeping me from reality. Every night and day I cherish the little moments when I can sit and read or watch these stories unfold; they have become my own personal form of cocaine to distract me from th real world. Indeed this is why people write stories to take us into a world that is not like the one we are in, to take us away from the mundane, but I started to realize how unhealthy this distraction had become in my own life. The craziness of graduation, not knowing where I am going to be next year, the transition of relationships as friends get married; all potentially good things however even as I write it a piece of me shudders.
As Katie poured out some of her passion and thoughts to me it occured to me more how I have stopped trusting God. Sometimes its just easier to hang on to my distraction or fears to mask what could be potentially scary changes. Why is change such a scary and yet exciting unknown? Places I have never been, information yet to be learned, growth that needs to take place, what is scary about all that? Perhaps the fears come from my own lack of confidence in my abilities to achieve or become a person ready and willing to take on whatever happens. Stepping outside of the haven of ACU and walking into a beautiful, new and exciting adventure by myself.
Yet I know that I am not alone, I know my King walks ahead of me whatever new world I am in, He is there. Such a simple concept of faith that I fail at every single day. Believing. To believe that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. People who do not really have faith call this sentimental, religious hog wash. Sometimes I understand where they are coming from but to me, in the depths of my being I know that this is true. Katie reminded me once again that it is NOT ME, it is Him who lives through me, Him who can talk on anything that happens.
As our conversation came to a close, I was at peace once again. My life is about to change drastically but it will be good and I am NOT ALONE! Thank you Katie for opening my eyes to so many realizations of my life, you truly were used this Friday night and I am grateful! :)
For about two hours I babysat my neighbors which is always a blast; they were on the verge of going to Disneyland so they were very hyper. After that my Elizabeth are her boyfriend picked me up and we went to Tuscanny's where we hung out with my friend Katie and her boyfriend as well. Later that night I decided to stay over at Katie and Elizabeth's for the evening because my roommates were out of town. We watched "Twilight", we are such girls sometimes, it's so AWESOME ! Elizabeth needed to go to bed so she checked out early then out of no where Katie and I begin to talk about everything really.
Drastically my life was opened and my heart was spilling out on the floor. My fears, ambitions, desires, many minute details that I have not discussed with anyone came out of my mouth. I was realizing my struggles and dreams as I spoke to Katie. One thing I was finally able to admit to myself was that I was using the series Harry Potter as a form of escapism. Not to say anything bad about them because I think they are wonderful stories and will continue reading them, but they have been keeping me from reality. Every night and day I cherish the little moments when I can sit and read or watch these stories unfold; they have become my own personal form of cocaine to distract me from th real world. Indeed this is why people write stories to take us into a world that is not like the one we are in, to take us away from the mundane, but I started to realize how unhealthy this distraction had become in my own life. The craziness of graduation, not knowing where I am going to be next year, the transition of relationships as friends get married; all potentially good things however even as I write it a piece of me shudders.
As Katie poured out some of her passion and thoughts to me it occured to me more how I have stopped trusting God. Sometimes its just easier to hang on to my distraction or fears to mask what could be potentially scary changes. Why is change such a scary and yet exciting unknown? Places I have never been, information yet to be learned, growth that needs to take place, what is scary about all that? Perhaps the fears come from my own lack of confidence in my abilities to achieve or become a person ready and willing to take on whatever happens. Stepping outside of the haven of ACU and walking into a beautiful, new and exciting adventure by myself.
Yet I know that I am not alone, I know my King walks ahead of me whatever new world I am in, He is there. Such a simple concept of faith that I fail at every single day. Believing. To believe that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. People who do not really have faith call this sentimental, religious hog wash. Sometimes I understand where they are coming from but to me, in the depths of my being I know that this is true. Katie reminded me once again that it is NOT ME, it is Him who lives through me, Him who can talk on anything that happens.
As our conversation came to a close, I was at peace once again. My life is about to change drastically but it will be good and I am NOT ALONE! Thank you Katie for opening my eyes to so many realizations of my life, you truly were used this Friday night and I am grateful! :)
Friday, February 6, 2009
Nights with Tricia
Tonight was an inspirtational night, I hung out with my friend Tricia. One might think what is so inspirational about hanging out with a friend? Well, she is different; we are in two different stages in life for one. Tricia is married, has two children, a full time job and all the responsibilites of what it means to be an adult. How could we relate? She has been and lived in many different countries something that I deeply envy. She has had a rocky journey through life but has learned to trust God and keep Him first through it all. I love to listen to her stories and to talk about the places she has been.
There have been many times in my life when I have prayed for God to send me mentors; women who are older than me that have wisdom, that I can learn and grow from. These last few years God has sent me two one is Tricia and the other is my neighbor Amber. The conversations I have had with them have revealed to me the type of woman I one day want to become.
Tricia and I have only hung out a twice at night but these have been some of the most memorable nights I have had this semester. Whether it is eating dinner and getting coffee or seeing a movie like we did tonight; I have enjoyed every second of it. Tonight we went and saw "He's Just Not that Into You" with her daughter. It was a great movie and I had a lot of fun with both of them. We went to Hastings after shopping around for books and playing quiz games with her daughter it was ideal.
On our drive home I began to think about the movie more and what it truly means to be in love and have a great marriage one that I believe Tricia has. I asked her what her secret was to having a successful marriage. She said "It takes time and commitment.; since we live in such a fast food nation we forget about what it means to truly work at something, to really want it.Also, finding someone who puts God first the way you do." Bam, right there I have heard this many times but hearing it again; I realized that this is exactly what I want and I am not in a hurry to get it. I want to have someone that desires to work at a marriage as much as I do and I will wait as long as it takes for that to come into my life without searching for it.
Nights with Tricia have become my new favorite thing about being in Abilene, even right before I leave here. I will not forget what these women have taught me from spending time with them and their families.
There have been many times in my life when I have prayed for God to send me mentors; women who are older than me that have wisdom, that I can learn and grow from. These last few years God has sent me two one is Tricia and the other is my neighbor Amber. The conversations I have had with them have revealed to me the type of woman I one day want to become.
Tricia and I have only hung out a twice at night but these have been some of the most memorable nights I have had this semester. Whether it is eating dinner and getting coffee or seeing a movie like we did tonight; I have enjoyed every second of it. Tonight we went and saw "He's Just Not that Into You" with her daughter. It was a great movie and I had a lot of fun with both of them. We went to Hastings after shopping around for books and playing quiz games with her daughter it was ideal.
On our drive home I began to think about the movie more and what it truly means to be in love and have a great marriage one that I believe Tricia has. I asked her what her secret was to having a successful marriage. She said "It takes time and commitment.; since we live in such a fast food nation we forget about what it means to truly work at something, to really want it.Also, finding someone who puts God first the way you do." Bam, right there I have heard this many times but hearing it again; I realized that this is exactly what I want and I am not in a hurry to get it. I want to have someone that desires to work at a marriage as much as I do and I will wait as long as it takes for that to come into my life without searching for it.
Nights with Tricia have become my new favorite thing about being in Abilene, even right before I leave here. I will not forget what these women have taught me from spending time with them and their families.
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